Now that the High Holidays are slipping into the past (and what a wonderful experience they were!) I'm able to come back up. Sermons can be found at the Beth Emeth website. I'm incredibly proud of my staff and the lay-people, was thrilled with the attendance (especially at the family services) and thought the whole experience was wonderful. Except one, which is gnawing at me even days later.
It happened in Neilah, the last service of Yom Kippur. At one point, I heard the sound of a happy child coming from the back. I looked over and saw a family that comes pretty regularly, and tries to bring their preschool-aged daughter when they can. I saw an usher go to them and then lost track, but when I looked up they appeared to be in the same spot, so I figured all was well.
All was not well. The usher had asked them to leave, and worse, several congregants had shot the family dirty looks. As it happens, the daughter who was making the noise has special needs (and nearly died when she was born), so for the family, this is an extra-sensitive issue. They constantly weigh whether they should bring their beautiful girl out in public where they know she'll be stared at and she'll have trouble keeping quiet, or keep her at home and deny themselves--and her--the opportunity to be with their community.
To be fair to the usher, she was VERY apologetic (no names to protect everyone here, and don't even try to guess), and felt terrible that she'd upset this family while trying to protect the worship experience for the rest of the congregation, and I know the family in question bears her no ill will. However, that they feel embarrassed about coming to THEIR synagogue, and bringing their daughter to worship, fills me with sadness and disappointment. No one should be turned aside, especially for the sounds of children.
I have NEVER kicked kids out of a service (one exception: b'nai mitzvah, and that's only because our 13-year old service leaders' nerves are usually so rattled as it is!); for me, as a shaliach tzibbur, I'm horrified at the thought that our kids--and by extension, their parents--should be kicked out for making a little noise. And the answer is not to ghettoize them in family and tot services (though those are good for other reasons). We need to always make sure that everyone knows they're welcome.
At Yom Kippur morning, I talked about the need to be accessible. As a Reform congregation, we work hard to be accessible to people with all kinds of challenges and abilities, and from all walks of life: we have English readings for non-Hebrew speakers, ramps for those who cannot use stairs, large print and braile books, audio boosters for those hard of hearing, etc. We do whatever we can to be as inclusive as possible--that should extend to our young families as well. And if that means the kids are going to make joyful noise, and if it means the parents come in chinos and a sweater because they didn't have time to change, FINE BY ME. Let them come! The seventh of the Sheva Berachot, the blessings for a wedding, thanks God for the sound of children at play. I am grateful for that sound and always have been (even before I embarked on Fatherhood), because well we should be aware, the alternative is unsustainable. Our gates should always be open.
Okay, rant over. Shana tova to all and more updates soon.
It is a very difficult decision. I agree that everyone should be welcome and free to attend services as a family unit. But I have to admit that I found the child's 'happy sounds' a distraction - and I was sitting in the front, quite a distance away. Perhaps a simple 'shush' from the usher would have been more appropriate; perhaps a decision to not bring the child to that particular Yom Kippur service would have been appropriate. No easy answers to that one.
ReplyDeleteI was there to hear the child's "happy sounds" and also overheard the dad telling a group of congregants after services that he is aware that noise can be distracting, but that asking his wife and child to step out of the sanctuary caused his wife to cry, and that they were there to pray with the community which is their family. I also observed people turning around toward the source of the noise, but probably only because they were startled by the disruption.
ReplyDeleteYoung children, whether developmentally delayed or not, have a tendency to be noisy in group situations and all parents need to weigh their needs against the needs of others when determining whether to bring a small child to so sacred a service as Neilah,when congregants may be seeking peace or solace. Perhaps, in this case the parents could have alternated taking the child out or obtained the services of a sitter who could entertain the child elsewhere in the synagogue while they attended. The usher was following precedent when suggesting they leave and should not have been considered offensive. The child's parents need to be aware that the synagogue is a place to worship, make friends, and study. It is not their "family"
I would like to add to the above comment regarding the parents who were asked to leave during the Neilah service because the sounds of their child were distracting. These parents are probably particulary sensitive to the issue as they may have to confront similar issues in the future with a developmentally delayed child. Some synagogues have a low tolerance for display of emotion and distracting/disrupting behavior on the part of anyone, which compounds the problem. I would suggested that the couple be advised to seek counseling to help them deal with the situation and have the standards they must meet as members clearly explained to them. In the meantime I hope they continue to share activities and the joyful sounds of their child with the congregation.
ReplyDelete